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| i am constantly filled with sorrow when i think about all the people i have become so out of touch with.
im sorry.
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| sometimes i write things.
the BIG DIPPER.
its everywhere. its beautiful. and when i see it my mind is flooded with memories of times past. i am filled with memories of laying in the fields of Harmons Jamaica in the summer. the dogs barking, mosquitos biting, grass itching. little sweaty children that smell of fresh baby powder crawling all over me. wanting to be loved and held and close to anyone. the nightly breeze that doesn't really cool you but gives you a moments relief from the heat. the darkness of a village with no tall buildings, the knowledge of a quiet town where no one is working late, and everyone is with someone they love. the warmth not just of the air, but of the people. warmth that surpasses the topical physical sensation of warmth, but that penetrates into the heart and the soul. the kind of warmth that warms you from the inside out, that offers comfort and peace and that gives you a sense of true life. life that is real and simple and slow. life that is how it should be, necessities met without excess. conversation and time spent together being central to society.
there's something about looking up at the big dipper that brings me back to moments like these. and not just glamorous and romantic ones, but also to moments in my back yard growing up, where i can barely make out the stars against the sky in the haze of the house lights, but where i still know they are there. where I'm surrounded by the dense humidity of Texas air, and filled with the familiarity of life at home. the noises of cars driving and doors opening and closing. the distant voices of children laughing and playing. the shadows of trees all around me, and the overwhelming feeling of absolute comfort.
or the memories of nights camping in the west with my friend Callie. where you feel like you are completely alone in the world, in the woods or in the dessert, surrounded by the noisy-ness of silence. where everything is loud but yet quiet, and all your senses are heightened. where you cant just see the big dipper, but every other single star you can imagine to exist, while still knowing there must be so much more out there. the feeling of being so small and insignificant, but being okay with it. the reminder of companionship, and the beauty of friends who you don't always have to talk to.
so many memories are brought to life when i see the big dipper, no matter where i am or what i am doing. I'm reminded of the goodness and completeness of God's grace. I'm brought back through all the places I've been, all the twists and turns and holes I've been so mercifully pulled out of. and I'm sobered by the beauty and the depth of it all. and as real and true as it is, I'm amazed at how easily and quickly i forget.
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| i had a dream last night that i was living in america again.
i was actually able to talk on the phone to people when i wanted to.
i could understand stuff always.
but it didnt really feel great.
on friday night i went to this ball.
(balls are a really big deal here, its basically just like a big party where you dress up. similar to homecoming, but with more people then just your school)
there were a bunch of high school students there that i know and it was kind of like a ski camp follow up evening.
anyway, there was this point in the night where this really popular czech song came on. i was standing in a circle with maybe 20 people, mostly students that i work with. they were all singing at the top of their lungs and dancing to this song, and i was just standing there thinking, "is this really my life?"
it was one of those moments where everything seems so completely surreal and all i could really do is say "Father, thank you for THIS."
it was amazing.
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| one reason why i love the czech republic in the winter is because you can use the outside as a fridge.
example: i currently have my orange juice on the balcony. when i get thirsty, i open the door to my balcony and i drink it. its great.
life in this place is actually pretty good. i enjoy people here. i actually do have friends now. i have lots of things to do. lots of places to be. and classes to teach. i get to hang out with people always. i mean, thats my job, and quite frankly i think its kind of ridiculous.
but lately God is just really showing me how little it really is about me.
i know right, youd think i should have gotten this by now.
but seriously, like, nothing we do that is good is from us.
its ALL from Him.
and as far as the Kingdom goes, its all about His glory, His beauty and His truth.
not our own.
so thats reassuring and comforting, because i sure do screw up a lot.
and im also really tired and lazy.
and im sick of feeling bound to people and to this world and to sin.
because the TRUTH is that im not.
im a slave to no one and nothing but Christ.
(and thats true for you too.)
one wise woman once told my friend who told me: blow off something important you have to do every once in a while just because you can. because life still goes on without you, and you arent as important as you think you are.
i think thats pretty great.
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| i dont know if anyone reads this or my blogspot, so ill just transfer stuff to both. : )
i think this has been the busiest week since i have moved here.
we are in more classes now, and wednesday i actually had to make lessons and teach them.
in fact, in one class the teacher actually left! hah.
and a girl asked me yesterday if i could give her private english lessons.
its funny, because i have NO training as a teacher.
but for some reason, since im a native speaker, im the expert.
its kind of a weird feeling.
ive also been kind of blah this week.
i feel bad for my roommate because she has to put up with me sorting through the moving/cultural adjustment process.
i think i would have to say that as of right now its actually getting harder, not easier.
im not sure why that is, or if its okay to feel like that.
maybe im just entering into some sort of 'realization' process.
like anyone can go anywhere for a month or two and enjoy it.
but i guess now that i have realized this is actually my life, its a bit different.
i think i thought i would be able to handle it better.
i thought that i would have no problems. that it would be pretty easy and natural.
and that i wouldnt feel the new culture to be so abrasive.
only time shall tell huh?
but at the end of the day,
sitting in the dark listening to some david gray, things are still pretty good.
praise God for life right? | | |
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